in memory of steve

my friend steven gill was killed last week in Iraq. i didnt find out till today at work when i happened to run across the article on statesman. com. with the news came a mix of feelings -shock...sadness...grief.

i met steve in highschool and the interesting thing is i didnt like him much then. he continuously gave me a hard time and it drove me crazy...later he confessed it was his way of "flirting." i told him he sure had a weird way of showing it. post high school we somehow kept in touch and i started to get to know him as a real person...as a friend. we kept in touch while he went to concordia in IL, when he came back to austin, and still when he left for the marines. we'd catch up every few months or so thru phone or IM when he was home for a holiday or on a break from some sort of training. even last year we were thinking of taking a trip to vegas with some other people but then he was called back 'to duty' earlier than expected, so plans fell thru.

in highschool we had a class together right before lunch so when we were walking to our cars for off campus lunch he would always ask me if i was going to buy him lunch that day. and every day i said, nope. last time i talked to him he said that the next time we were both in the same city he would treat me to dinner to make up for all the times he would ask in highschool. guess ill never get that free meal...but its not really the meal ill miss.

war is real...and scary...and it took something tragic for it to become real to me. when it comes to worldwide news i generally dont stay informed bc i feel like it doesnt directly affect me. well, i guess it affected me this time. pray for the people that are fighting for us...because every one of them is someones husband or wife or mother or father or son or daughter or sister or brother or friend etc...

girls like guys with skills...

there are two things in life that id love to be better at...well, theres a LOT more than two so maybe i should just say two in particular. those being photography and guitar playing. so heres a pic to try and capture both ideas. unfortunately both take a whole lot of practice and a whole lot of skill. but luckily both are things that if you do actually practice a lot, then you will acquire more skill.

needless to say, people that have these skills inspire me. i could listen to guitar playing for hours...days...and having tried to play guitar myself and knowing that it isnt something you learn overnight, makes me appreciate those who play it even more. my cellphone wallpaper reads, 'i love boys who play guitar.' yeah, no argument there. same with photography...i can click thru pages of photoblogs or flip thru pages of photographs for hours and be inspired. bc two people can look at the same thing and take a picture...but one of those pics might be alright..and the other amazing.

theres lots of things id like to be good at. these are two things id love to be great at.

what are you waiting for?

i heard an excerpt from a book called 'when wallflowers dance' by angela thomas. it was about waiting in line. but not like a movie theater line, but the line of your life. everyone is in that line and everyone is always waiting on something whether its waiting for a new job, for marriage (or even a relationship, for that matter :), for a new chapter of life to begin, for whatever. and everyones lines intersect and sometimes you jump into someone elses line when it seems more appealing. but its not about what youre waiting for that matters, its how you wait. are you waiting patiently or are you frustrated that you arent at the front of the line? are you interacting with the other people 'in line' with you and making the most of the situation or are you keeping to yourself with an 'every man for himself' mentality? ill be the first to say im not in the waiting patiently line most of the time...some other girls and i were discussing it and i liked what my friend julie said. she feels like she gets to the front of the line but then shes missing something and gets sent to the back again. i thought that was a great way to think of it bc how true it is. how frustrating is it when youre in a real line and youre missing that one piece of paper or that one bit of information and youre told to come back again when you have it all together? i think that life is like that a lot when we try to take control of our lives and think that we have it all together and then the Lord says, no..not yet. and its frustrating..but we still get back in line and try again until we realize that that one thing we're missing is the sacrifice of our pride enabling us to give the ultimate control to Him. and another thing...waiting isnt passive although one might normally think of it that way. you wont get anywhere by just standing there and doing nothing.

all this to say, im in line for a new job. in terms of job satisfaction on a scale of 1 to 10, id say mine is probably a 3...on a good day. and the thing is i havent been extremely satified for quite a while and im still here, however a big part of that was my mindset and the way i was 'standing in line.' with the front of the line being me quitting and getting a new job, i have been making excuses for why i dont think i can leave...in a way, being that person that waves to the person next to them and says, 'you go ahead.' all the while...pushing myself farther and farther back. but some recent things have made me realize that basically, its ok to leave. everyone knows im bored outta my mind and are probably surprised i havent left by now anyways. but yeah, its ok to leave...its what happens...people quit...new people get hired...and everything continues on just the same. but like i said before, this whole waiting thing isnt passive...it requires active searching on my part for something different...no ones going to come knocking on my door with a job opportunity in a box with a bow on it addressed to me. but that new job isnt going to happen overnite either..its going to require more waiting on my part and so now its more important that im aware of how im waiting. i need to be patient, knowing that the Lord will provide something new for me when it's time. He has a plan for everyone's life, although i do think sometimes people worry too much about knowing whether theyre 'in His plan' or not. regardless, there's a plan..and this life we're living...that's it.

so how are you living it?

ray lamontagne - what a great show!!!

this is ray lamontagne. i had the privilege of seeing him at la zona rosa and he put on an incredible show. i think he played all the songs from his album 'trouble' as well as about 5 new ones. all of his stuff is really great and he put on a great performance. he rocked out to 'forever my friend' which was and is my favorite song of his. he also did a really great slow version of 'how come.' the added string quintet on a few of the songs was awesome too. unfortunately we were standing beside what seemed to be a fraternity so that was a little annoying, but we were really close so i guess thats the price you pay. but overall, i was completely satisfied with the show. rachel yamagata opened whom i had heard a little of her stuff before but not a lot. it was kinda what i expected...slower ballads...kinda dark...depressing feel to some...angry bitter girl feel to others...overall...decent. so yeah. thats my critique of the show...go see him if you have a chance!

mother?

all my entries are not going to have to do with being asian, i promise. that would get real old...i mean, i get annoyed with being asian so i know it has to get old to hear about it all the time! but i gotta share about lunch today. i was at the mall on my lunch break - a dangerous thing to do bc you have a limited amount of time causing you to sometimes buy things frivolously. anyways...before i window shopped i got some soup and sat in the food court to eat it. well, there were two asian women sitting across the aisle from me and between them they had 3 little asian girls. one of them...probably around 2..2 1/2 kept wandering over to me. but she didnt just walk over and leave...she would come over...stop...stare...2, 3 minutes later...still there. yeah. luckily she was kinda cute so i wasnt annoyed that she was just watching me eat. and the other asian women didnt find it necessary to get their child back...i guess we shared a safe asian bond or something? i dunno. but anyways...this girl...i was wondering if she thought maybe i was her mother. its a known fact, or saying at least, that 'all asians look alike.' and she was pretty young, so maybe she thought for a second that she belonged to me? i dunno...ive never had someone elses kid stare at me for so long. so yeah...i finished my lunch and left..and luckily the little girl didnt follow me...

call me a greatest journal traitor...

yeah im a traitor. i made the switch. but i feel good. there comes a time for change and i was ready for it. my journal needed a clean-up, a re-vamp, a switcheroo. so here i am. a 'blogger.' call it peer pressure but i see more and more of these blogs and theyre just more pleasing to the eye...and im not even a real hardcore, serious blogger so its not like i really care about the special features and what not - its not like im technologically savvy enough to figure most of them out anyways. regardless, here i am.

im addicted to

no, not drugs. not alcohol. not love. halls fruit breezers. my throat is legitimately sore though so im not just poppin em for fun..although i used to do that with the luden's cherry ones. if youve had those, i need not explain - they taste like candy and offer absolutely no throat comfort. so i might be getting sick...and it takes a lot for me to admit that..ill ride the denial train for as long as i can...but just bc i admit to being sick, getting me to take medicine or go to a doctor is a whole nother story. sidenote..i realize that 'nother' is not a word, but read that sentence aloud and it wont sound weird. i realized this a couple weeks ago when i was trying to type this phrase and it occurred to me that our poor english has completely made up a word and we use it in normal everyday talk without probably even noticing. so anyways...back to my 'sickness' - i hate medicine and doctors even more..i dont know why, theyre only meant to help right? lucky for me though my colds usually only last a short while so i predict ill be over this in no time!

i discovered i like chai tea. theres a 24 hr starbucks right by my house..with a drive thru. dangerous.

i just started reading john and stasi eldredge's new book, captivating. i love it. a must read.

i contemplate quitting my job about every 3 days.

my friends love minors

yeah...i guess its just a known fact that guys generally have a wider age acceptability range than women. i think girls will go for guys maybe a couple years younger than them and anywhere from a few to maybe 5 years older. but i would also say that once youre out of college, age difference isnt as big of a deal as it was in high school and college bc everyones in a similar stage of life - working world, more responsibility etc and someone in their 30s doesnt seem a whole lot older than someone in their mid twenties. but a couple of my friends have definitely hit their max, or rather i should say minimum. one of them recently danced with a 12 year old. yeah..i think youre in 5th grade when youre twelve. he claims she was 'really tall' and that he wasnt the only one 'deceived.' yeah...ok. another guy...has a 19 year old stalker. and in comparison to the 12 year old, 19 seems real old! but when youre 25, is it? in his defense i will say that the girl is at least stalking him, not the other way around. but anyways..i just dont understand it..i just cant imagine going after a 17 year old boy...it just seems real dirty. anyways, thats all i have to say about that...

in other news...last weekend was july 4th. it was great to have a long weekend. i went and saw some fireworks in round rock..i think all of round rock was there too...but the show was great and we had great seats. tomorrow jac is coming in town for howie day so im real excited to see her and also for howie - should be a great show. and then my old roommate, rayshelle is going to be in town so i get to see her sunday!

i went running yesterday at town lake...lets just say that was a big mistake. and the fact that there were still soo many people out running when the temp. was in triple digits amazes me as well. but anyways..as of yesterday, town lake and i are 'on a break.' ive decided that my workouts are going to have to happen in my neighborhood after at least 730.

thats about it. im learning how to live without tv and a microwave. two things that i have realized i used more than i thought. and i honestly didnt watch tv tons...i would have a designated show every weeknite, yeah but i didnt just sit in front of it for hours at a time. if anything i would have it on for background noise. sometimes ill put in a movie just to make myself feel like i have tv. but its good for me..its making me spend my time doing better things like reading, listening to music, work out, try and play my guitar etc...so yeah...its really not that bad. the microwave is a little annoying though...heating up leftovers in the oven or on the stove is a bit annoying but like tv, i manage and am learning to either make it so that i dont have leftovers or eat foods that dont require heating. its all about adaptation right? yeah whatever..

alright...its friday and im almost halfway thru my workday...yesssss!