asian haters and disneyworld

ill start off on a positive note. as we all know, my family is frolicking in disneyworld without me right now. and to remind me of that i got a email postcard today from 'space.' in case you arent familiar with space postcards, there is an adventure ride at the epcot center in disneyworld where you can evidently record yourself having a wonderful time and then send it to whoever you want to in order to remind them that they arent there. i was the lucky winner for my parents. i get this ridiculous email video of my parents hysterically waving and kinda boppin around...maybe their form of dancing? im not sure, but put some mickey mouse ears on them and it would have just been perfect.

second..so i have this new found addiction to online games. with my new computer, i am able to log onto yahoo and pick from a variety and not have to worry about my computer freaking out and shutting down. so, whether its solitaire 13 or hold em poker, im hooked. i have to set time limits otherwise i would probably play for ridiculous amounts of time. its just so easy to get reeled in though...you lose a game and immediately a friendly window pops up with 'play again?' well, i cant turn that down! so yeah...but thats not even really relevant to the story, but i felt i just needed to share that. ok so last nite i was playing some game and a little chat window pops up and this dude starts talking to me. i dont know him...he probably just searched for people to chat with and came across me bc my profile has college station listed. so we go thru the normal friendly banter - age, major, hobbies what not..im giving one word answers bc im sidetracked by my card game...eventually he asks the question i know is coming yet always comes late into the conversation bc you dont want to seem superficial..'what do you look like?' so, for some reason i tell him im a cute little asian. not because thats really how i see myself but bc i didnt feel like spending the time being like..well..im 5'3..blah blah blah. so hes like 'oh i like asians..' oh geez. so then i say 'oh, i dont.' not really what he was expecting. so i continue to tell him ive just never been attracted to asians at all..i know its weird, but its true. its like im racist against my own race or something. but anyways, im an honest person so i wasnt afraid to throw that out there. so then hes like, 'so you dont like your parents?' ok, first of all..thats not a situation where i would need to be attracted to them...second of all, im adopted so my parents arent even asian..but if they were, im pretty sure i would like them. so i had to make it clear that i meant that i wouldnt date an asian, but its not like i dont like the entire race. but then he comes out with, 'well, i like all types of people...i look at the inside of the person, not just the outside.' so then i had to defend myself and tell him i wasnt some superficial person and that i truly valued personality and everything like that, but honestly if theres no attraction, then it can only go so far. he goes 'whoa.' so then i realize that my last statement probably came out a little wrong and now he thinks im some dirty asian girl...so then i have to defend myself and tell him im not like that etc. he was killing me...then somewhere in the conversation he misinterpreted something and somehow thought that i said that all asians had bad personalities. where he got that from, i have no idea..i mean, did he forget that i was asian? why would i say that? so then im trying to explain to him the conversation we had and how i never said that and he starts saying things like 'please respect all people more.' ah geez. are you kidding me? suddenly im this racist, asian hater. so needless to say i couldnt take the conversation much longer and he got put on my 'ignore' list and is probably telling all his friends how he met this horrible girl online. oh well. just some proof that online conversations are dangerous. talk about misinterpretation...wow. i dont hate asians, i promise. i just dont plan on dating them. and although thats weird and i know that...its just the way i am and i cant explain it. and some of my friends know this about me and are set on finding me some hot asian guy but its just never happened...but hey, anything could happen. maybe ill just wake up one day and have this strong attraction to yao ming...ill let yall know when it happens.

the family vacation i got left out of...

So my family is going to Disneyworld...without me. Yep...my mom, my dad, my sister, her husband, and the little rugrats - Berkeley and Ellerey. I called my dad yesterday to tell him I loved him and stuff for father's day and he told me that him and my mom had been cleaning the house. I asked why...he said..oh, well..we're leaving for Disneyworld on Tuesday, remember? Oh yeah...the family vacation that I don't get to go on. Now before you let yourself think that my parents totally don't love me, I'll have you know that I was extended the invitation with one minor stipulation...pay my own way. Well, unfortunately my ever increasing credit card bill tells me that that wouldn't be a wise financial investment. So, I had to turn Disneyworld down. Of course when I try to guilt trip my parents into how its so unfair and that they must not love me...they kindly remind me that they paid for me to go to Korea last summer with my sister when she adopted Ellerey. Which is true...and I do know that the average plane ticket to Korea is the equivalent of..well..something expensive. So, I am then humbled and not allowed to complain..that is, until the next time I choose to bring it up. But I feel like this Korea thing is going to be this neverending debt thats going to be held over my head forever. Like...when I'm dying and needing money for the hospital theyre going to say...nope, remember when you went to Korea? Neat. So, anyways...I'm talking to my dad and understand this - my dad is like sixty and has the enthusiasm of like a 12 yr old boy. I guess disneyworld does that to you?? He was telling me all the stuff theyre going to do..these extravagant places theyre going to eat..blah blah blah...he even said, we might think of you once or twice while we're there, but probably not. My dad thinks he's so funny. Stupid Disneyworld...I didn't wanna go anyways...

always look to the truth

ever been in one of those moods where youre kinda down about stuff and you dont know why? and its just kind of frustrating because you cant figure out how to make things better? yeah, ive kinda been in one of those moods lately...and i think what i do is i start evaluating my life and go down a mental list of things...friendships, my future, myself...and try to pinpoint the area of 'problem.' but then i think i overanalyze and end up with a lot of things that i start pondering too much. so my problem solving method ends up backfiring. one thing i always realize and as obvious as it sounds is that whenever i get into these 'ruts,' i realize that ive somehow pushed the Lord outta my life. not completely of course because that would be impossible...but its like im trying to run my life and fix everything by myself and inevitably am burning out because im not relying on the Lords strength...im not giving Him the glory for anything good...and im not seeking refuge in Him when im weary. so...i was in the gas station today...working real hard as usual...ok not really, i was reading because i was dying of boredom. and since i had found so many different things 'wrong with me' in my self evaluation, it seemed like everything i read was completely applicable. but a bit in Romans 12 stood out a little more than the rest...

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:9-18

it's been a long time...

...shouldnt of left you, left you without a dope beat to step to, step to, step to...ok so i wrote the subject but then that song came into my head..i think its by aaliyah..those probably arent even the right lyrics. i have a tendency to make up my own lyrics and rap songs are the worst - you never know what theyre sayin.

but anyways...its been a long time since i updated the world on my life...and a lot has happened so im not sure why im slacking, oh wait...maybe its because my computer is extremely unstable. i'll get to that in a bit.lets see...what has happened...well, last weekend i went home for my 'birthday/graduation' celebration. although both of those happened about a month ago, i havent had a chance to go home since then and i figured id let my forever long birthday celebration last even longer...so, my 4 year old nephew, berkeley was evidently in charge of the after party after we went out to eat for lunch. so we came back to my sisters house to celebrate. the party was complete with finding nemo party hats, a huge snow white balloon, streamers taped in real weird places, although exactly where he thought they should go, and of course bday cake and presents. oh did i forget to mention the reoccurring conversation every 5 minutes with the general theme of 'kate, when you gonna get a job, where ya gonna work, whatcha gonna do?' yeah, that was pleasant. so what am i gonna do with my life? I DUNNO!!! i dont wanna talk about it.next...

well, yesterday i lost 500 dollars..to best buy, that is. yeah, remember my computer that is on a selfdestructing mission? well, i just wanna stop the fighting so i decided it was time to just get a new one. my 10GB and 64 mhz of ram just aint cuttin it anymore. my new computer is going to be about 100x better i think - im just not going to know what to do with it. but that was exciting...probably my first 'real big purchase'...that is, if you dont count stuff like tuition bc i guess thats probably a little bit bigger. so its going to be delivered to my house in about two weeks bc we 'custom built' it at this little kiosk. when i say we, i mean bryan talked to the best buy dude and i just kinda stood there and nodded once in a while and eventually just gave him my money...so the pistons won tonite and it was incredible. i mean, anything that contributes to the lakers misfortune i enjoy. i wont go into how much i dislike the dirty team..ill just leave it at the fact that theyre going back to la and not playing that game 6 like they hoped...what a shame...

on to more important stuff...tonite kel and reba and i invented a new holiday. its called 'Telling Day.' on this day, you have to tell everyone that youve ever had a crush on. and we're talking ALL crushes...even the ones where you literally have a crush on someone for like 5 hours and then youre like, nah. we thought of different ways this could happen...some options included having all the names tattooed on your body...wearing a t-shirt with all the names on it...but then i guess you wouldnt be guaranteed that everyone would find out. so, i guess maybe a required phone call. wouldnt this be fun?? half the time you'd feel pretty good about yourself...feeling all wanted and stuff...the rest of the time you'd wanna crawl in a hole and die there b/c you'd be so mortified. 'Telling Day' would soon turn into 'Awkward, I Wanna Die Day.' ok, so this holiday probably won't ever be officially established, but its a fun idea right?? ok well ill leave yall with that...you know youre thinking about it...

confessions

ok so i have some confessions...first off, i am sick. i refused to admit it for a while, but when i dont have an appetite i know it can only be a result of one of two things...either i just ate, or im sick. so...yeah...now its just the road to recovery...hopefully without getting a doctor involved.

second...i watched an hour long show today about nelly finding the next 'apple bottoms' girl. what has my life come to? i spend an hour watching nelly and his crew go to five cities around the US watching these ghetto fabulous girls come out and shake what their mama gave them. it was truly entertaining for some reason.

third...i really like the ellen degeneres show. ive only watched it twice but i wouldnt mind incorporating into my daily tv watching. but does watching it in a way mean that im supporting homosexuality? bc yes, she likes women...but she doesnt ever talk about that on the show so its not like shes advocating gay rights or anything. but yeah, i enjoy her humor b/c its kinda dry...a little witty, but not over the top. and she dances, which for a however old she is woman is pretty good. i admitted to kel that i kinda wanna be like her, but without the whole liking girls part of course. so yeah, ellen...3pm...im entertained.

fourth...this ones probably the most embarrassing. you know that movie coming out...white chicks? i dont think ill shell out the money to see it in theater, but id be lying if i said i didnt have a small desire to see it. i mean, i laugh at the previews every time..i always know whats coming and yet, still funny to me. like when 'hes' about to fight and he says 'man, hold my poodle!'...thats funny...and then at the end when theyre singing along to the radio...yeah, funny every time...

so, i just wanted to come clean about some stuff...hope no one thinks any less of me...actually, not that i would care..im not ashamed.

grrr

yes, thats a growl...its a growl of frustration. frustation stemming from my computer that is startin to really tick me off. its incredible...i really dont know what happened, but its definitely breaking...quickly...so as a result of my awesome computer this is my second attempt at this entry. yeah, the first one i wrote...well, when i hit 'update' it evidently confused that with 'close window entirely and have computer screen freeze.' so here goes round two...

theres a lot of pressure with this whole journal thing...pressures to come up with deep thoughts, witty comments, and interesting stories. well, sometimes im just outta those. i could tell you 'dumb customers at heb' stories bc shoot, i have an endless supply of those...but i dont think they can be fully appreciated unless you are a fellow heb employee. so yeah, i apologize for going days at a time without contributing anything, its just that i dont feel like i have anything to contribute.

looking back at today, im thinking you might be slightly entertained by this story. so i mowed the lawn today. somehow i woke up with this overwhelming desire to start my day with this today. sometimes i hope that i'll come home and one of my wonderful, extremely good looking and kind guy friends will have come and mowed it while i was gone, but then reality kicks in and i realize that my lawn is becoming the disgrace of the street since all of the lawns around me are freshly manicured. so, yeah, woke up with a burning passion to cut the grass...so before i was able to talk myself outta it or contemplate whether i was dreaming, i got up, changed and went outside. so im mowing...my favorite part is probably either walking into spiderwebs and feeling the web on any bare piece of skin or maybe when i mow over ant hills and have to dance around them as i mow. so im in the back mowing around a big tent and i remember, oh yeah, i have a tent back here. now, you wonder, why do you have a tent in your backyard? well, you see, i put the tent up about a month ago bc i took it to garner over spring break and packed it up when it was wet...so to avoid an entirely foul smell the next time i used it, i decided it would be a smart idea to put it up, let it air out, and then pack it up again. so i finish mowing...feeling pretty productive, so im ready to take on the tent. now, since i pitched the tent..its rained quite a bit...therefore the whole 'airing out' idea has pretty much completely backfired. so i enter the tent with some beach towels and a bowl bc theres so much water in the tent that little fishies could have survived. now let me paint a picture of this for you...from the outside you kinda get this view...and keep in mind that the end stakes of the tent arent in the ground anymore due to some windy storms i imagine so the tent is far from being in an upright position...so..say, at a talent show when the curtain is down and someone is on the other side fumbling around trying to find the opening but is failing miserably so you just see them aimlessly poking around and you laugh at them? well, just imagine that with the tent except its kinda like the curtain is on top of me. from the inside...you see me crawling around...gathering up bowls of water and throwing it outside. oh! another fun thing...the second i get in the tent it starts pouring..not just raining or sprinkling..like monsooning. so...i finally get the water out, zip up the tent and take my soaking wet self inside. all to say...i still have a tent in my backyard...so can someone remind me about that in a couple of days?? so thats my lawnmowing/tent experience for the day. and people call me lazy...hmm.

you dont know what you got till its gone

that saying is so true. im realizing that lately as summer has come and college station is empty. granted, those of you who are still in good ole cs, im very grateful yall are here and love hanging out with you guys. and in general i like less people around bc its less obligations to hang out...less choices that have to be made about who to hang out with etc. however there are those people who i just got used to seeing every day....who became my 4th and 5th roommates...people like alison and patin and the list goes on...you eventually realize that hmm...i wont be seeing them for a while and thats kinda sad. not to pick favorites or anything but two people i especially miss are christian and eileen. eileen because she is my greatest encouragement and christian bc she was my roomie and i got to play with her all the time. and i talk as though theyre dead...theyre definitely not...just not close. but ya know...thats life...people come and go and you adjust. and i will, but im just going to go ahead and miss them for a sec...

that brings me to another epiphany...ive realized that i should never try a long distance relationship bc i can predict right now that it would fail. and it would be completely and legitimately my fault. but also realizing this has prompted me to consciously improve this area of my life. im not a caller or goer. if people didnt call me or come to my house...i would probably have no friends. now im excellent at calling people back or going somewhere if invited and persuaded. however, im not usually the initiater. and yes, im lazy. jojo and i realized why we didnt see each other all of last semester. we're the same...we let the people come to us. i wouldnt go to his house, nor would he come to mine. i could get in my car, drive to his house, and literally be there in less than 60 seconds. but no, we wouldnt do it - therefore, we never saw each other. ive had some of my closest friends move outta state...like best friends...and i talk to them maybe once every two months. and its always...always so good when i talk to them and we both promise that we'll be better at it and call more yada yada..but that never happens. but no more! this is the beginning of a new me. a 'make an effort to keep my friendships alive' me. i will go to your house, i will call you first. i called two 'long distance friends' today and emailed another! thats huge! maybe im in a way, preparing myself for when i leave college station and am perhaps living by myself. its going to take a lot more effot then - yeah, this is like training. wish me luck!!